❤ Heart Talks ❤️ : Confidence + self esteem issues?
A lot of my friends who are around me have asked this question countless times, and I think I just want to address it. Why is it that I'm reluctant to let my people around me view this blog? Why haven't I necessarily promoted it on Instagram like most people who include links in their captions? It's a good question. And I've got tons of reasons, or rather excuses, whatever floats the boat. So allow me to blabber away about why I don't want people around me reading my blog.
Whilst I agree that I can get more views this way, and definitely increase readership for my blog, there's just fear in me. I come from a background that contains painful ostracism from peers. I always have trouble with people for some reason. It just feels as though people show me their worst sides sometimes, and I get to absorb the brunt of all of the side effects of being exposed to these sides of people. Personally, I think I am good at identifying qualities in a person, both good and bad. But at the same time, I give the benefit of the doubt because I am afraid to lose the chance to meet an amazing person. Perhaps I am unfortunate, but for me, I don't have many close friends. I don't really hang out much with my classmates, not much with my schoolmates either. Most of my friends are outside of school. That's cool, but they do have O Levels this year so they don't have much time to hang out which is definitely acceptable. In that sense, I am what people would call a "loner". That term has been used countless times to attack me in real life before, and it really really burned hard. I think that it is what has caused me to always feel like I need to keep up a certain barrier between me and people, and if I feel that their negative sides really step past this barrier, I choose to let go.
Another thing besides this horrendous past is really about the present. I don't have much confidence from the start, and I do feel like if I start promoting my blog to more of my schoolmates, it would be like I'm losing my "shine" or someone will steal the spotlight and compete with me, which would be disastrous because this is the only avenue I have to really express my interests. There are so many girls in my school, even in my class, who are crazy charismatic. They have amazing jokes, cool stories and really know how to click with people. The "magnetic" personality ensures they have a clique 24/7 which I don't really have in school. Plus, I don't really like cliques because of how "exclusive" it sounds, and obviously I have felt the exclusion created from cliques before, whether intentional or unintentional, and it definitely puts pressure on me. I think that as a person, as an identity, there are a lot of people who are more dynamic than I am. I don't doubt for a moment that there are way too many people around me who are popular even without a reason, and whilst I wish I could be more like that, I don't think that the people around me are the kind of people who would be interested in what I like, in what I enjoy. I feel like there are sooooo many popular people around me, with so many more followers, they have a huge budget, get to shop like crazy with their parents, and have friends wherever they go, and I really envy that whilst feeling like I can't live up to it.
For example, many people around me love Kpop, Korean dramas, Twitter and Tumblr. I enjoy Polyvore, Facebook, Blogger, English music and shows. I don't watch Running Man because it isn't my cup of tea. I feel like my interests aren't matched to my peers many times, and all the more I don't wish to share my blog if people are not even interested in the first place. There are people in my every day life who throw shade at bloggers, saying they have no life, they are fake, they lie, they do all these sponsorships and claim it is "purchased", etc. And then there was that whole Gushcloud controversy last year that really showed some terrible sides of some bloggers in our country who were dishonest. To me, this negative light that was put onto the blogging community makes my life difficult and not so easy. I don't have the confidence to say "I'm a blogger" to everyone around me because I don't want the same kind of shade thrown at me. In that sense, the interests are different, the opinions are different, and once again I am showing my self esteem issues. But as such, I'm afraid to share this blog with people because I want support more than harsh judgement that comes from an unfair halfass point of view.
But on the flip side, that's also why I chose to have this blog. I enjoy the anonymity, I feel happy that without much publicity or advertising, there are people who read this blog, because I think that people who read this are seeing the real side to me without knowing any of my negative sides first. There's a clean start, a fresh new impression to be formed. I don't know what you take away from it, but it's heartening to see the love given, the support given which I feel just by seeing the views I get now steadily increasing. I feel like the effort I put in is worth it. I feel fulfilled. I am feeling happy, and I want this blog to be the one to put more confidence in me, to explore what I love without having to depend on feedback from people around me, but rather from people who come here because there's a reason to do so besides giving me feedback, and if they do, provide feedback coming from a place where they are "in the know". I want to build a blog where I can empower myself, and empower others who are reading it to be themselves too. By having this blog thus far, I have been feeling so much more confident, courageous and strong because I finally dare to upload pictures of fashion, food and things I always take pictures of but have no one to really share them with. I want to one day die knowing my blog helped someone, changed someone, made someone realise they could believe in themselves.
I think that having confidence and building self esteem begins with yourself. It's hard for me to do it because so many things haunt me and I pull myself down as a result. But I am also the best person to empower myself, to make mistakes and then learn from them even if I am afraid to be wrong, to have more courage even if it feels "cocky". Because feeling good about yourself, is the best feeling in the world. You get to complain about everything because you are yourself. Are people telling you to change? Don't. Are you telling yourself to change? Then do it if you need to. People can only be changed when they choose to do so. And at the same time, people should only change when they choose to because they want to feel better about themselves. Live your life to your best, not to the standard of another's. It's a piece of advice that I have been trying to follow every single day since quite a while ago.
And with that I shall end my little talk :) Thanks for reading through my awfully long essay haha :D
Love,
Khione
Another thing besides this horrendous past is really about the present. I don't have much confidence from the start, and I do feel like if I start promoting my blog to more of my schoolmates, it would be like I'm losing my "shine" or someone will steal the spotlight and compete with me, which would be disastrous because this is the only avenue I have to really express my interests. There are so many girls in my school, even in my class, who are crazy charismatic. They have amazing jokes, cool stories and really know how to click with people. The "magnetic" personality ensures they have a clique 24/7 which I don't really have in school. Plus, I don't really like cliques because of how "exclusive" it sounds, and obviously I have felt the exclusion created from cliques before, whether intentional or unintentional, and it definitely puts pressure on me. I think that as a person, as an identity, there are a lot of people who are more dynamic than I am. I don't doubt for a moment that there are way too many people around me who are popular even without a reason, and whilst I wish I could be more like that, I don't think that the people around me are the kind of people who would be interested in what I like, in what I enjoy. I feel like there are sooooo many popular people around me, with so many more followers, they have a huge budget, get to shop like crazy with their parents, and have friends wherever they go, and I really envy that whilst feeling like I can't live up to it.
For example, many people around me love Kpop, Korean dramas, Twitter and Tumblr. I enjoy Polyvore, Facebook, Blogger, English music and shows. I don't watch Running Man because it isn't my cup of tea. I feel like my interests aren't matched to my peers many times, and all the more I don't wish to share my blog if people are not even interested in the first place. There are people in my every day life who throw shade at bloggers, saying they have no life, they are fake, they lie, they do all these sponsorships and claim it is "purchased", etc. And then there was that whole Gushcloud controversy last year that really showed some terrible sides of some bloggers in our country who were dishonest. To me, this negative light that was put onto the blogging community makes my life difficult and not so easy. I don't have the confidence to say "I'm a blogger" to everyone around me because I don't want the same kind of shade thrown at me. In that sense, the interests are different, the opinions are different, and once again I am showing my self esteem issues. But as such, I'm afraid to share this blog with people because I want support more than harsh judgement that comes from an unfair halfass point of view.
But on the flip side, that's also why I chose to have this blog. I enjoy the anonymity, I feel happy that without much publicity or advertising, there are people who read this blog, because I think that people who read this are seeing the real side to me without knowing any of my negative sides first. There's a clean start, a fresh new impression to be formed. I don't know what you take away from it, but it's heartening to see the love given, the support given which I feel just by seeing the views I get now steadily increasing. I feel like the effort I put in is worth it. I feel fulfilled. I am feeling happy, and I want this blog to be the one to put more confidence in me, to explore what I love without having to depend on feedback from people around me, but rather from people who come here because there's a reason to do so besides giving me feedback, and if they do, provide feedback coming from a place where they are "in the know". I want to build a blog where I can empower myself, and empower others who are reading it to be themselves too. By having this blog thus far, I have been feeling so much more confident, courageous and strong because I finally dare to upload pictures of fashion, food and things I always take pictures of but have no one to really share them with. I want to one day die knowing my blog helped someone, changed someone, made someone realise they could believe in themselves.
I think that having confidence and building self esteem begins with yourself. It's hard for me to do it because so many things haunt me and I pull myself down as a result. But I am also the best person to empower myself, to make mistakes and then learn from them even if I am afraid to be wrong, to have more courage even if it feels "cocky". Because feeling good about yourself, is the best feeling in the world. You get to complain about everything because you are yourself. Are people telling you to change? Don't. Are you telling yourself to change? Then do it if you need to. People can only be changed when they choose to do so. And at the same time, people should only change when they choose to because they want to feel better about themselves. Live your life to your best, not to the standard of another's. It's a piece of advice that I have been trying to follow every single day since quite a while ago.
And with that I shall end my little talk :) Thanks for reading through my awfully long essay haha :D
Love,
Khione
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